when we were babies my dad was a stay-at-home dad while my mom kicked ass in the courtroom but he would carry my twin brother and me around with one baby on the front and one on his back in backpacks

and women would come up and look at how cute i was and coo over me and be like “awww how cute wow”

and my dad would be like, “YOU KNOW WHAT’S CUTER THAN ONE BABY”

and then he’d spin around

and BAM

there was my brother

I love everything about this. 



Steal His Look: Smitty Werbenjaegermanjensen
Sorry but this look is currently unavailable
It was his hat, Mr. Krabs
He was #1

Oh god this has to be the best one yet





when i was a young boy

my father

thought I was an eggplant and fed me to the snakes. Sometimes when I see eggplant emoji I still cry alone in the shower.

To see a marching band.


I hate when you’re like “fuck it’s so hot” and someone’s like “well why don’t you take your jacket off?” Like bitch no…this is my outfit



im loving this concept

wasn’t this on that show that was like american idol but for inventions and some guy was like “fart patch for the smell” and simon was like “YOUR IDEA IS LITERALLY SHIT IT’S NOT ABOUT THE SMELL IT’S ABOUT THE FUCKING NOISE YOU’RE USELESS AND YOUR IDEAS ARE SHIT” and nobody backed up the inventor guy (and tbh after i grew up and tried new foods let me tell you the sound is not nearly as embarrassing) well lookie here simon cowell u fucked up
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